Stepping Stones

It seems like time is just slipping through my fingers. Ray is still hanging in there, but each day brings a new loss of something. Or maybe just a new realization of something that I didn't realize was lost. Some days bring new irrational and unexplained behaviors. As Ray deteriorates, I see things from different perspectives. I try to see things from his perspective, and fail miserably. I fail him miserably every day. God has continually tried to teach me patience, and I continually fail to learn. I'm constantly trying to remind, restrain, guide, and comfort Ray with a loving heart, but I'm tired and frustrated too. My temper flares and I bark orders at him, or yell at him. It reminds me of another place and another time, and a road I don't want to travel again, but I'm pretty sure God has put me there anyway.

My Pud (grandmother) had Alzheimer's. I don't know if that was ever the official diagnosis or not, but for the sake of discussion, that's what I'm calling it. I was incredibly close to Pud. I spent as much time with my grandparents as possible, even up into my college days. Summers, holidays, spring break, any time I wasn't in school, I was at the Farm. I watched Pud's decline over my lifetime, and the way Granddad took care of her. I can't really describe it. How do you describe love in real life form? Because love was all I saw. There were certainly screams and cries of frustration. I even saw Granddad yell at Pud. It hurt to watch it, but I knew it didn't diminish his love for her. His love was so deep and so real, it was killing him to watch her suffer, to watch her turn into a different person. Granddad's devotion to Pud was unending and unquestionable. It was the kind of stuff that a great writer could turn into a beautiful love story with the horribly sad ending that leaves you aching inside. Maybe that's why I'm not into romantic novels or movies. I watched the world's greatest love story unfold before my eyes. I didn't need Tinseltown's dopey version of a romance to teach anything about love.

Over the last couple of weeks I have started to see a pattern. Little things that Ray does that are reminiscent of Pud's behaviors so many years ago. Little things that I do (or maybe don't do), that I watched my Granddad struggle with through Pud's illness. I don't want to go down this road again. I know where it leads. There is a train wreck at the end. Carnage, mutilation, pain. My mom watched her parents struggle through this, now she has to watch us too? And my boys. They are along for the road this time. How is this fair?!?! Why would God put us here again?!

And then I remember my Bible, and the words God gives us to help us through times like these. He tells me that he will take everything and make it for good. Sometimes that's hard to comprehend in the moment when you feel like everything you touch is falling apart and there is nothing good left in the world. As I watch history repeat itself though, I sometimes think I get a glimpse of why God chose me for this battle. I've seen it fought. I know that death is the winner, as it is in all battles, but God gave me a beautiful example of how to live for him each day, and how to love my husband and children through it all. It's a stepping stone to get me across to the other side. I will never live up to the example that Granddad set for me, but I try.

I can't explain why my boys are in this. My dad lost his father at a young age too. Maybe his loss is the stepping stone Gunnar and Gage need to get them through to the other side. Like us, the boys have good days and bad. I think Gage struggles daily. Gunnar is a teenager, so I rarely know everything (sometimes I think I don't know anything) that is going on with him. Bimbo is his confidante, but he also has these friends... I can't even describe the depth of my appreciation for them. They are stunning. They are mature, and wise, and good. It's humbling that they can take care of him when I can't. It's also reassuring to know he's not alone. There was an incident in a class yesterday. Gunnar fell apart, and they prayed with him. Right there on the stage, in the middle of theater class, they went to him and prayed. That stepping stone will carry us both a long ways.