2012: Barely Remembered

It's New Year's Eve, and I have very mixed feelings about the end of this year and the beginning of a new one. This year hasn't been particularly wonderful. It's been almost exactly a year since we started facing Ray's medical issues head on. Talk about a damper of a year. On the other hand, I doubt we see any possible medical improvements in the next year, so it's kind of hard to say, "The last year was awful, bring on the new." There's a good chance it will be worse. Really, I shouldn't say 2012 was horrible. Good things happened. Gage won a saddle, I teach the World's Greatest Eighth Graders, well, I'm sure there are others....

Really, I feel like I was absent for most of the year. I didn't understand why we were watching Dick Clark's Top 30 because I forgot he died. And Whitney Houston. The Olympics were this year? I love the Olympics. I probably don't remember them because I didn't watch them. I'm beginning to wonder what else I missed.

I started working on my "to read" list over Christmas Break. It's horribly out of date. I'll never be able to read everything I want to read. I don't have time to read and these crazy authors just keep writing!!! Until the break, I haven't read in...a year? This is the woman that reads a book a day. Or I used to read a book a day. I'm still able to read a book a day, I just don't have time to read a book a day. Of all the things in my life that have changed, this might be one that I mourn the most. Yes, that is incredibly selfish. But, I love to read. It's a complete escape. I come up from a book, and wonder why I'm sitting on the cold floor with my Kindle plugged into the wall (it's because I can read longer than the battery lasts), so disoriented that I can't recognize my room because wasn't I just in the arena with Katniss? Anyway, who wouldn't want to escape my life on occasion? I just don't have time for it.

Maybe because I put down the books, but more likely, because I spent a year watching Ray deteriorate, the last year has given my life new focus and meaning. I don't really wonder, "What's my purpose?" I know my purpose. I was meant to be a teacher. Not to sound egotistical, but I'm pretty good at it. And I love it. I'm supposed to take care of Ray and the boys, and hold my little family together for as long as possible. I'm not so naive to believe that God has let me in on everything that he has in store for my life, but at least for now, I have a direction to travel.

Since time together has become more and more precious to us, we made Christmas break about that. It was very low-key and laid-back. I spent a fraction of the money I normally spend. There were no special plans (just us at home), a few favorite foods (no big meal), with a few favorite movies. And it was PERFECT!! You know that horrible let-down of a feeling that comes after Christmas because it wasn't all that it was supposed to be? Yeah, I almost always get that feeling. Not this year though, because this year it was FINALLY was it was supposed to be. Time. Together. Relaxing, laughing, playing. Easy.

And so I close the year, and my self-indulgent post, with less tension, stress, and expectations. Even though 2013 may be harder, I feel better prepared, and that makes me feel...hopeful? Yes, we'll go for hopeful.

Happy New Year!

Stepping Stones

It seems like time is just slipping through my fingers. Ray is still hanging in there, but each day brings a new loss of something. Or maybe just a new realization of something that I didn't realize was lost. Some days bring new irrational and unexplained behaviors. As Ray deteriorates, I see things from different perspectives. I try to see things from his perspective, and fail miserably. I fail him miserably every day. God has continually tried to teach me patience, and I continually fail to learn. I'm constantly trying to remind, restrain, guide, and comfort Ray with a loving heart, but I'm tired and frustrated too. My temper flares and I bark orders at him, or yell at him. It reminds me of another place and another time, and a road I don't want to travel again, but I'm pretty sure God has put me there anyway.

My Pud (grandmother) had Alzheimer's. I don't know if that was ever the official diagnosis or not, but for the sake of discussion, that's what I'm calling it. I was incredibly close to Pud. I spent as much time with my grandparents as possible, even up into my college days. Summers, holidays, spring break, any time I wasn't in school, I was at the Farm. I watched Pud's decline over my lifetime, and the way Granddad took care of her. I can't really describe it. How do you describe love in real life form? Because love was all I saw. There were certainly screams and cries of frustration. I even saw Granddad yell at Pud. It hurt to watch it, but I knew it didn't diminish his love for her. His love was so deep and so real, it was killing him to watch her suffer, to watch her turn into a different person. Granddad's devotion to Pud was unending and unquestionable. It was the kind of stuff that a great writer could turn into a beautiful love story with the horribly sad ending that leaves you aching inside. Maybe that's why I'm not into romantic novels or movies. I watched the world's greatest love story unfold before my eyes. I didn't need Tinseltown's dopey version of a romance to teach anything about love.

Over the last couple of weeks I have started to see a pattern. Little things that Ray does that are reminiscent of Pud's behaviors so many years ago. Little things that I do (or maybe don't do), that I watched my Granddad struggle with through Pud's illness. I don't want to go down this road again. I know where it leads. There is a train wreck at the end. Carnage, mutilation, pain. My mom watched her parents struggle through this, now she has to watch us too? And my boys. They are along for the road this time. How is this fair?!?! Why would God put us here again?!

And then I remember my Bible, and the words God gives us to help us through times like these. He tells me that he will take everything and make it for good. Sometimes that's hard to comprehend in the moment when you feel like everything you touch is falling apart and there is nothing good left in the world. As I watch history repeat itself though, I sometimes think I get a glimpse of why God chose me for this battle. I've seen it fought. I know that death is the winner, as it is in all battles, but God gave me a beautiful example of how to live for him each day, and how to love my husband and children through it all. It's a stepping stone to get me across to the other side. I will never live up to the example that Granddad set for me, but I try.

I can't explain why my boys are in this. My dad lost his father at a young age too. Maybe his loss is the stepping stone Gunnar and Gage need to get them through to the other side. Like us, the boys have good days and bad. I think Gage struggles daily. Gunnar is a teenager, so I rarely know everything (sometimes I think I don't know anything) that is going on with him. Bimbo is his confidante, but he also has these friends... I can't even describe the depth of my appreciation for them. They are stunning. They are mature, and wise, and good. It's humbling that they can take care of him when I can't. It's also reassuring to know he's not alone. There was an incident in a class yesterday. Gunnar fell apart, and they prayed with him. Right there on the stage, in the middle of theater class, they went to him and prayed. That stepping stone will carry us both a long ways.