It's New Year's Eve, and I have very mixed feelings about the end of this year and the beginning of a new one. This year hasn't been particularly wonderful. It's been almost exactly a year since we started facing Ray's medical issues head on. Talk about a damper of a year. On the other hand, I doubt we see any possible medical improvements in the next year, so it's kind of hard to say, "The last year was awful, bring on the new." There's a good chance it will be worse. Really, I shouldn't say 2012 was horrible. Good things happened. Gage won a saddle, I teach the World's Greatest Eighth Graders, well, I'm sure there are others....
Really, I feel like I was absent for most of the year. I didn't understand why we were watching Dick Clark's Top 30 because I forgot he died. And Whitney Houston. The Olympics were this year? I love the Olympics. I probably don't remember them because I didn't watch them. I'm beginning to wonder what else I missed.
I started working on my "to read" list over Christmas Break. It's horribly out of date. I'll never be able to read everything I want to read. I don't have time to read and these crazy authors just keep writing!!! Until the break, I haven't read in...a year? This is the woman that reads a book a day. Or I used to read a book a day. I'm still able to read a book a day, I just don't have time to read a book a day. Of all the things in my life that have changed, this might be one that I mourn the most. Yes, that is incredibly selfish. But, I love to read. It's a complete escape. I come up from a book, and wonder why I'm sitting on the cold floor with my Kindle plugged into the wall (it's because I can read longer than the battery lasts), so disoriented that I can't recognize my room because wasn't I just in the arena with Katniss? Anyway, who wouldn't want to escape my life on occasion? I just don't have time for it.
Maybe because I put down the books, but more likely, because I spent a year watching Ray deteriorate, the last year has given my life new focus and meaning. I don't really wonder, "What's my purpose?" I know my purpose. I was meant to be a teacher. Not to sound egotistical, but I'm pretty good at it. And I love it. I'm supposed to take care of Ray and the boys, and hold my little family together for as long as possible. I'm not so naive to believe that God has let me in on everything that he has in store for my life, but at least for now, I have a direction to travel.
Since time together has become more and more precious to us, we made Christmas break about that. It was very low-key and laid-back. I spent a fraction of the money I normally spend. There were no special plans (just us at home), a few favorite foods (no big meal), with a few favorite movies. And it was PERFECT!! You know that horrible let-down of a feeling that comes after Christmas because it wasn't all that it was supposed to be? Yeah, I almost always get that feeling. Not this year though, because this year it was FINALLY was it was supposed to be. Time. Together. Relaxing, laughing, playing. Easy.
And so I close the year, and my self-indulgent post, with less tension, stress, and expectations. Even though 2013 may be harder, I feel better prepared, and that makes me feel...hopeful? Yes, we'll go for hopeful.
Happy New Year!
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