The Hardest Thing I've Ever Had to Do

I know it gets worse from here, but today was one of the hardest days of my life. Worse than the initial diagnosis, worse than losing my grandparents, worse than anything I've ever had to do.

I started my day emotionally and physically exhausted. I didn't sleep well, and then overslept. I considered calling in sick, but I would have had to make sub plans for two subs rather than just one, and at that point, well, I might as well just go to work. For those that don't know, I'm teaching ALL of the 8th grade science classes right now. I consider it a labor of love. It's a lot of work. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. On the other hand, I cannot describe how much I love those kids. I found them so impressive that I brought Gunnar over to be one of them. They have accepted me, Gunnar, and my entire family as one of them. We've never been outsiders. The least I can do is properly educate them. And I'm glad that I am responsible for almost 200 8th graders. I don't know if I would have gotten out of bed for half of them.

Anyway, I wasn't the teacher I wanted to be today. I just wanted to cry. All day. And I did several times, but never in front of the kids, and never for very long. I was better by the end of the school day, but my own kids know me well enough to know that all isn't right, and of course, they knew Ray had an appointment yesterday. Gunnar doesn't say a lot, but Gage pushes for answers. He finally said, "Mom, what is REALLY going on with Dad?"

I've been pretty vague with the my boys up until today. Over the past few months we've told them that Ray was sick, and he was seeing a doctor to get better. Today I sat in my classroom and told them all of it. The cold, hard, ugly truth. That Ray won't get better. That there is nothing any doctor can do to fix it. That we will lose him. It was miserable. I know that it will get worse. In the meantime, I know that things will return to "normal", and we have to find happiness while Ray is still here. That's why God gave me ALL of those 8th graders, and my beautiful kids, and loving husband, and each of you.

I cannot tell all of you that have sent notes and prayers how much they are appreciated. I've had an outpouring of offers for help with the kids and to take Ray hunting. I'm overwhelmed by the love and friendship, but I'm too exhausted to even think right now. Without my family and friends (and my MOM, who is there through EVERYTHING) I couldn't have made it through this horrible day.